I feel sick

Tomorrow(today) I am starting over.

I'm so deep.

I was racking my brain today (don't worry, it's a decidedly short rack.) trying to remember the last time I felt happy. And I'm not talking about feeling happiness, but feeling overall happy for some extended period of time. Thoroughly, out and out contented. That no matter what happened not just that everything would work out, would in the end be okay, but that the sadness did not matter. That beneath the surface, when you hit bedrock, it would be diamonds or gold, or maybe granite because all the yuppies make countertops out of that shit and it's becoming quite pricey. Anyway, the time I could come up with was about three years ago, right around this time in fact. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doomed to repeat my past in cycles, always becoming happy or sad based upon how I felt at the same time a year or two prior, but this would be one I wouldn't mind repeating.

Somewhere that year I made a decision, just to be happy. To be confident in my life and to enjoy it. It's strange since only a month earlier I had broken up with someone I loved very much. But I guess I was so confident in the fact that we had indeed loved each other, and it was not someone's fault we were not together, it was fine with me.

I don't know that I can do that again. I don't know I can decide my life is good. That I'm lucky and that I'm succeeding at what I want to do. I only have the anxiety of knowing that I can be those things, not that I am what I can be. It's a lot of pressure to be who you can be. (I seem to remember a post about potential in my not so distant past.) Falling short is truly terrifying to me at times.

Psychoanalysis has a notion it cals the "ego ideal." This ego ideal is pretty self explanatory. It is a part of yourself that contains all the qualities of a person that you wish were manifest within you. Often, this it is located within the super-ego (though a part, it is not the super ego in totale though). Yet as a part of the super-ego it regulates your actions, but not as a conscience which you listen to, but as a task master. As a sexual object. A thing of desire. You begin to desire the ideal more than yourself, causing self masochism. The ego ideal beat upon the ego, deriving pleasure from it. This is incredibly dangerous, because the ego is essentially destroying itself in hopes that the ego ideal will take over. That is not possible though, and once the ego is shattered, there is nothing left but sand.

I think I've always thought of myself as someone who had gotten bad lot in life. And for a long time, it was probably true. Things were not exactly all fun and games for me my first fourteen or so years. I think a lot of people feel this way. Maybe most people feel this way. What I wonder is why? It seems to provide kind of a poor base for a later life. Maybe its a struggle we all have to get over. Maybe I'm over estimating how many people feel this way.

Well I can feel this rambling, but at least I feel much better. I guess I'm really realizing that though the struggle might be constant, it doesn't have to be overwhelming. Most people see me as someone that it is hard to overwhelm, but as per usual I'm my own worst enemy. I sometimes forget too that the people around me have their own problems,defenses, hang ups, etc. And that just because they do, it doesn't mean I have to get angry about it. Alright I'm gonna quit before this becomes twenty pages. Have fun everybody.